General Musings

Finding the Blessings: Reflections on the past three years

September 18, 2014

Three years ago today I was at the hospital, having been induced early that morning. Despite the fact I didn’t know what to expect and was starting to feel decidedly unwell by this point in the day, I was thankful that whatever happened I was not leaving that hospital again until I had given birth to my baby. Nine long months of suffering with hyperemesis gravidarum was finally going to be over, and I was ready to move on. birth However, I totally underestimated just how difficult life would be over the years ahead. After such a challenging pregnancy I was convinced life could only get better. And it did in many, many ways. I was finally a mother, something I had always dreamed of being, ever since I was a very young girl. I loved every sleep-deprived moment of those early days, but life was far from easy.

Over the past three years so much has happened… both TJ and I have changed jobs, I’ve written a book, and Little Man has grown into the most adorable little boy. But the biggest change has been in TJ’s health. I have watched my husband gradually lose himself to some truly awful neuropathic symptoms and my own health has, in turn, taken a real beating as I try to balance the changing needs of my family along with working full-time and working on the book. I am, quite frankly, beyond exhausted.

Most days I feel like crying. I feel myself breaking into a million pieces, torn between so many responsibilities. And I have lost so much of the optimism and faith that once defined the way I viewed the world. I’ve lost the trust that “one day” life will get easier! But beneath all of that sadness, anger and grief, there is a little light that shines so brightly… SAM_1297 This gorgeous boy of mine, the one I fought through nine terrifyingly long months of sickness to meet, means the world to me. He is, quite simply, the light of our lives and no matter how hard things get, we keep going for him. Because he is worth it.

There was a time when I wasn’t sure I could have children. Despite the fact I would have loved a larger family, there are some incredible blessings to be had in having an only child. Our love for Little Man is unrivalled by any other, and his love is poured on us just as freely. Whilst I know we would have loved other children just as much, knowing that we get to pour all our love onto him alone is a wonderful feeling.

Of course we have our moments, times when I worry about the effect of all this stress on him. The times he sobs and just wants his mummy because he cannot express what is wrong, just that he is sad. And his frustration comes out by hitting, kicking and pinching right now, which is incredibly difficult to cope with. But even at those times we know that his heart is full of love for us and others, because we see it every single day. He adores making friends and finds joy in the simplest of things and reminds us that life is so beautiful, if only you would look. Feeding Daddy Daddy will probably hate me for posting this photo, but I love the beauty in seeing my boy sharing with his daddy and “looking after him”

The nine months of sickness were more than worth it for a lifetime with this beautiful little boy, and knowing this gives me the hope and strength I need to know that the battles we are currently facing are more than worth it for the life we have together. Right now. I no longer look for “one day”… that day may never come.

But right now my life is so totally blessed. I have a husband who is my best friend, who has stood by me through my darkest periods and now trusts me to stand by him through his. And together we are raising the most important person in our lives, receiving just as much from him as he receives from us. No matter what life throws at us, so long as we are together we will get through it.

Ticket to Ride

We climbed on board the train, bought our “ticket to ride” and chose the people we wanted to go on this journey with. I have no idea where we’re going, what the destination is or when we’ll get there, but right now I am choosing to enjoy the journey for what it is. A blessing.

 This post has been added to the Share the Joy linky (hosted by Bod For Tea) on 2nd February 2015

Share the Joy linky at

  • Reply
    Michelle Reeves (bodfortea)
    February 3, 2015 at 6:31 am

    Oh Amanda I’m in tears reading this! Such a beautiful and personal story, full of sadness but also hope and the joy that comes from seeing the beauty in the smallest of things. Thank you so much for linking this up at #ShareTheJoy x

    • Reply
      February 3, 2015 at 11:46 am

      Thanks for your comment, Michelle. When I was trying to think of a post to link up this week, I found this one, and realised I had totally forgotten I had written it! So reading it again reminded me just how important finding the joy in the smallest things is! Thanks so much for your linky, I love it 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    February 4, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Hi there, this is my first time on your site (through the #sharethejoy linky) and I’ve not yet discovered if your one day has come yet, I hope it has and if not I hope it’s not far off. But either way your little boy looks like he’s enjoying the train ride.

    • Reply
      February 4, 2015 at 8:08 pm

      Hi Stephanie,

      Thanks for popping by. We’re still chugging along, but still also learning to find the joy in the journey. We’ll get there eventually… In the meantime my little man will enjoy lots of train journeys 🙂 (in fact we went on a reareal train today!!)

  • Reply
    Eline @ Pasta & Patchwork
    February 5, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    I’ve also just found you through the #sharethejoy linky, and I’m also in tears! I don’t think it is at all pessimistic to stop looking for the “one day”. In fact, perhaps the most positive and optimistic thing one can do is to look for the everyday blessings in the here and now. In the face of all you’ve been through, you’re managing to do just that and I admire you hugely for it.
    I’m off to browse your site a little more, and especially the crafts & crochet part!

    • Reply
      February 6, 2015 at 9:14 am

      Hi Eline,

      thanks so much for popping by and leaving a comment. I think you are right, it really is positive and optimistic to look for the blessings here and now. I still struggle with it some days, but I am getting better at it as time goes on! Thanks for your lovely, supportive comment xx

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