On Letting Go

Have you ever found that sometimes, when you stop fighting, things just suddenly begin to fall into place in a way you could never have imagined?

There are so many things happening in my life right now, many of which I simply can’t talk about on here. Some are still very much in transition and to write about them before their conclusion feels unwise. Others seem so huge and life-changing, that I feel cautious to share them so openly, because I do not wish to burst the bubble of contentment, peace, security (I don’t quite know how to explain it) that has enclosed me these past couple of weeks. But needless to say, had someone told me that I’d feel this way just a few short weeks after feeling like my entire world was falling apart, I would never have believed them!

It’s a strange place to be, feeling secure in the seeming unknown, when actually the start of 2015 has been extremely turbulent in both my personal life and the wider world around us. If anything, there is more uncertainty in my life now than there has been in a very, very long time. And yet I am finding it easier than ever to surrender and allow life to unfold without resistance. After years of trying to control so many aspects of my life, it’s refreshingly different and surprisingly productive…

I had a sudden image (a vision, if you will) the other day of being positioned with slight adjustments here and there, just as an artist would gently ease a model made of clay into the perfect position. That’s exactly what it feels like for me right now, and whenever I start to feel my old worry and panic rising up, I stop and take a breath and focus on allowing change to happen. Whilst many changes are taking place externally, the greatest change has most certainly been internal.

It began just before New Year, with a prayer. Not just any prayer, but a heartfelt one which signalled the end of my resistance and the opening of my heart fully. Since then, not only have I found a peaceful core from which to cope with the sudden changes in my life, but I’ve also found the tools and support necessary to continue exploring in a way I have yearned for for far too long now.

For instance… the day I received news of a major change in my life, I also received this most beautiful gift from an unknown friend.

I still have absolutely no idea who sent it… I had to sign for the delivery but there was no postmark on it, no clues as to where it had come from, no name on the card that came with it, just a very sweet and encouraging message…

Now, it’s clearly from someone who knows me. They had to know that I would truly appreciate the books included – I haven’t written a huge amount about my faith and spirituality on the blog so I am assuming they know me “off the blog” too. However, given the message above, the gift giver must have seen my post about my goals for 2015, surely? More than anything else, they have to have known my postal address!! Taking all these into account, I have a few people it could be, but I am not 100% which one it is.

Whoever it is though, the “little something” is actually a hugely generous gift that has touched my heart in more ways that I can express and came at the most perfect time. It has come to remind me to continue opening my heart to the unseen, to begin trusting in the unknown, and to embrace the community around me in ways I haven’t done in years, if ever.

I’m learning to accept who I am, to stop feeling apologetic for not “fitting in”, to allow myself to explore my own faith and understanding and be comfortable in that. I am learning not to hide who I am, to know it is okay to be different, and that who I am is unique and perfect for the life I am leading.

This is all being reflected back to me in so many ways that I can no longer ignore it. Major external changes are hard to miss, but the internal ones are pretty easy to dismiss sometimes, don’t you think? You can so easily doubt them when there is little tangible evidence for them on the surface. Which is why the surprise gift means so much – it is a physical reminder of the internal changes towards release and acceptance of support, one which came at the most perfect moment.

Which brings me back to the very beginning of this blog post…

“Have you ever found that sometimes, when you stop fighting, things just suddenly begin to fall into place in a way you could never have imagined?”

 

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This post has been shared as part of the #sharethejoy linky hosted by Bod For Tea